Better News

The past month has been good. Great even.


I somehow have pulled myself up again. I'm not as anxious anymore. I've been going out. Leaving downtown. Happy. Optimistic.


I was thinking about how amazing it is that things can just switch like this for me. I started thinking about the times I've been depressed, the times I've been severely depressed, the times I've been anxious, the times I've been panicking. And I noticed something.


I thought of how when I was in middle school, before I knew what was wrong with me, I would know if it was going to be a good or bad year depending on the grade I was in. Evens were bad. Odds were good. And then I started mapping out the good and bad times in my life.


I started at the beginning.


Fall of 1999 - Summer of 2000 (2nd Grade)
          I started feeling anxious for the first time. I got sick when I was nervous.


Fall of 2000 - Summer 2001 (3rd Grade)
          I was fine. Happy. Not Anxious.


Fall of 2001 - Fall of 2002 (4th Grade)
          I had really bad anxiety that made going to school difficult. I was afraid of everything.


Winter of 2003 - Fall 2003 (5th Grade)
          Fine. Happy. Not Anxious.


Winter of 2004 - Summer 2004 (6th Grade)
          Extremely anxious. Nervous about any type of road trip.


Fall 2004 - Winter 2005 (7th Grade)
          Happy. Not Anxious.


Spring 2005 - Summer 2005 (Summer before 8th Grade)
          I feel depression for the first time. It's not really bad. I was just sad and didn't know why. But not anxious.


Fall 2005 - Winter 2006 (First half of 8th Grade)
          Happy. Not Anxious. Not depressed.


Spring 2006 - Summer 2007 (Second half of 8th Grade and all of 9th Grade)
          My first major depression. Emotions everywhere. Small random panic attacks but not anxious all the time.


Fall 2007 - Summer 2008 (10th Grade)
          Panic Disorder comes. Completely paralyzed from it. Start seeing doctors. Couldn't leave my house. Depressed because I could see anyone or do anything. 


Fall 2008 - Spring 2010 (11th Grade, 12th Grade)
          Completely happy. Hardly ever any panic attacks. Never depressed. Having fun.


Summer 2010 - January 2012 (Freshman Year, First Semester of Sophomore)
          Panic gets slowly worse and worse as I go to college. Reaching a height during the summer after and dying down since then.


Now
          I feel like someone flipped a switch inside my brain. I'm not getting as anxious. I'm mostly happy, but I feel myself slipping into depression sometimes.




I figured out from this information that my brain works in cycles. Almost exactly in cycles. And right now I'm starting a new one. And I know that I have at least a year and a half to live my life and prepare for the next one. Prepare to stop it in its tracks. I'm gonna make this time count. I know now that I'm in a cycle when I more likely to get depressed. So instead of letting it happen, I'm gonna tell myself that I'm not really sad. It's just my brain. And I'm gonna keep working with my panic. I'm not just gonna forget about it like I did in the past when I felt better. I'm gonna keep working at it so that when it comes back (as I know it will) I'll be able stop it. 


For now, I'm still working on my anxiety about certain obstacles. But life seems a lot easier. And I give myself 5 more months until I'm back the way I was in 2009. And then I'll have a year to figure out how to beat this thing when it comes back.


I'm happy now.

Back to Reality

It's been a month.


I went back home for winter break. It was mostly uneventful apart from a realization that almost stopped me from returning to school this semester.


I finally realized the bubble that I live in while I am at school. 


My university is in the middle of downtown Pittsburgh. Everything I need is within walking distance to me. I have my own room, which I've mentioned before. When I'm on campus I do not have to face the realities that haunt me while I'm at home. I don't have to present myself with things that make me panicked. And I think that this is why I have been progressively getting worse since I went to school.


I think of panic in my head as an enemy. I see this smirking version of myself looking at me saying 


"How are you going to do that? You're not good enough for that. You are going to cause such problem for everyone around you. You're going to be stuck. You're going to be embarrassed. What are you going to do? Make a decision. Don't let people down, just stay back. Just don't do it. Don't (whatever I'm panicked about)." 


Then I decide to give in and back down. But she continues to taunt me. Like a bully pretending to be my friend. 


"See. It's better this way. It's just you and me now. And we don't need anyone else. And you can stay with me forever."


She is such an attention-craving bitch. Which is why she wants to make my bubble smaller. She wants me to be nervous about more and more things. So that she can be around whenever she feels like it. And always be my focus.


At home, she would come out on occasion. But she's scared because at home, there are other versions of myself to fight back to her.


A PANIC STORY FROM BREAK


I was getting ready to go to work. I work a short 5 minute drive away from my house. But because of my hours and availability to cars I would have to be dropped off and picked up. That's Panic Bridget's key selling point.


"What if something happens? What if you have to leave on a moment's notice? You felt a stomach cramp yesterday. You probably have a bug. You need to stay home. You should just call off. There's plenty of things that you can do around the house today."


I actually give into her a couple of times. But then when the pressure's on because I can't call off work again. My troops storm in.


The first is 17-year-old Bridget. She's sitting in a chair while I'm getting dressed. Dressed in a Sonic uniform, swinging her car keys. Chipper as usual. She speaks to me as I shake while buttoning up my dress shirt.


"What's the problem? Why are you freaking out?"


Panic Bridget shows up.


"Because what if something happens while she is at work? She hasn't been feeling well and blah blah blah..."


"So, if something happens Dad or one of her brothers can pick her up. She knows she can do this. Hey, I can do it. I go to the movies with my friends, I go to work 15 minutes away, I go to college across town in the afternoon. She just needs to breathe."


"Listen, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. You are 17. You haven't seen what we have seen. You haven't left yet. Yeah, you do all of those things but you come home at 11 o'clock on school nights and fall asleep safely under the roof of your parents house that will always be there when you fall."


"It's always been there for you, too."


"No, it hasn't. And it won't always be. We've been there. It's terrifying."


"I don't understand why..."


At this point, I yell out loud.


"SHUT UP!"


I hear their voices silence and feel them both staring me down as I look at myself in the mirror.


It's not about what could happen or what you've done before. It's about now. It's about the person that you are at this point in time. It's about Bridget. Calm down. Breathe. Live. Be the person that you want to be. This one that doesn't have to deal with this shit. 


"You can do this." I whisper out loud.


And with powerful strides I walk out my front door into my brother's pickup truck. I light my cigarette and go. And just do it.