It's been a month.
I went back home for winter break. It was mostly uneventful apart from a realization that almost stopped me from returning to school this semester.
I finally realized the bubble that I live in while I am at school.
My university is in the middle of downtown Pittsburgh. Everything I need is within walking distance to me. I have my own room, which I've mentioned before. When I'm on campus I do not have to face the realities that haunt me while I'm at home. I don't have to present myself with things that make me panicked. And I think that this is why I have been progressively getting worse since I went to school.
I think of panic in my head as an enemy. I see this smirking version of myself looking at me saying
"How are you going to do that? You're not good enough for that. You are going to cause such problem for everyone around you. You're going to be stuck. You're going to be embarrassed. What are you going to do? Make a decision. Don't let people down, just stay back. Just don't do it. Don't (whatever I'm panicked about)."
Then I decide to give in and back down. But she continues to taunt me. Like a bully pretending to be my friend.
"See. It's better this way. It's just you and me now. And we don't need anyone else. And you can stay with me forever."
She is such an attention-craving bitch. Which is why she wants to make my bubble smaller. She wants me to be nervous about more and more things. So that she can be around whenever she feels like it. And always be my focus.
At home, she would come out on occasion. But she's scared because at home, there are other versions of myself to fight back to her.
A PANIC STORY FROM BREAK
I was getting ready to go to work. I work a short 5 minute drive away from my house. But because of my hours and availability to cars I would have to be dropped off and picked up. That's Panic Bridget's key selling point.
"What if something happens? What if you have to leave on a moment's notice? You felt a stomach cramp yesterday. You probably have a bug. You need to stay home. You should just call off. There's plenty of things that you can do around the house today."
I actually give into her a couple of times. But then when the pressure's on because I can't call off work again. My troops storm in.
The first is 17-year-old Bridget. She's sitting in a chair while I'm getting dressed. Dressed in a Sonic uniform, swinging her car keys. Chipper as usual. She speaks to me as I shake while buttoning up my dress shirt.
"What's the problem? Why are you freaking out?"
Panic Bridget shows up.
"Because what if something happens while she is at work? She hasn't been feeling well and blah blah blah..."
"So, if something happens Dad or one of her brothers can pick her up. She knows she can do this. Hey, I can do it. I go to the movies with my friends, I go to work 15 minutes away, I go to college across town in the afternoon. She just needs to breathe."
"Listen, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. You are 17. You haven't seen what we have seen. You haven't left yet. Yeah, you do all of those things but you come home at 11 o'clock on school nights and fall asleep safely under the roof of your parents house that will always be there when you fall."
"It's always been there for you, too."
"No, it hasn't. And it won't always be. We've been there. It's terrifying."
"I don't understand why..."
At this point, I yell out loud.
"SHUT UP!"
I hear their voices silence and feel them both staring me down as I look at myself in the mirror.
It's not about what could happen or what you've done before. It's about now. It's about the person that you are at this point in time. It's about Bridget. Calm down. Breathe. Live. Be the person that you want to be. This one that doesn't have to deal with this shit.
"You can do this." I whisper out loud.
And with powerful strides I walk out my front door into my brother's pickup truck. I light my cigarette and go. And just do it.
I went back home for winter break. It was mostly uneventful apart from a realization that almost stopped me from returning to school this semester.
I finally realized the bubble that I live in while I am at school.
My university is in the middle of downtown Pittsburgh. Everything I need is within walking distance to me. I have my own room, which I've mentioned before. When I'm on campus I do not have to face the realities that haunt me while I'm at home. I don't have to present myself with things that make me panicked. And I think that this is why I have been progressively getting worse since I went to school.
I think of panic in my head as an enemy. I see this smirking version of myself looking at me saying
"How are you going to do that? You're not good enough for that. You are going to cause such problem for everyone around you. You're going to be stuck. You're going to be embarrassed. What are you going to do? Make a decision. Don't let people down, just stay back. Just don't do it. Don't (whatever I'm panicked about)."
Then I decide to give in and back down. But she continues to taunt me. Like a bully pretending to be my friend.
"See. It's better this way. It's just you and me now. And we don't need anyone else. And you can stay with me forever."
She is such an attention-craving bitch. Which is why she wants to make my bubble smaller. She wants me to be nervous about more and more things. So that she can be around whenever she feels like it. And always be my focus.
At home, she would come out on occasion. But she's scared because at home, there are other versions of myself to fight back to her.
A PANIC STORY FROM BREAK
I was getting ready to go to work. I work a short 5 minute drive away from my house. But because of my hours and availability to cars I would have to be dropped off and picked up. That's Panic Bridget's key selling point.
"What if something happens? What if you have to leave on a moment's notice? You felt a stomach cramp yesterday. You probably have a bug. You need to stay home. You should just call off. There's plenty of things that you can do around the house today."
I actually give into her a couple of times. But then when the pressure's on because I can't call off work again. My troops storm in.
The first is 17-year-old Bridget. She's sitting in a chair while I'm getting dressed. Dressed in a Sonic uniform, swinging her car keys. Chipper as usual. She speaks to me as I shake while buttoning up my dress shirt.
"What's the problem? Why are you freaking out?"
Panic Bridget shows up.
"Because what if something happens while she is at work? She hasn't been feeling well and blah blah blah..."
"So, if something happens Dad or one of her brothers can pick her up. She knows she can do this. Hey, I can do it. I go to the movies with my friends, I go to work 15 minutes away, I go to college across town in the afternoon. She just needs to breathe."
"Listen, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. You are 17. You haven't seen what we have seen. You haven't left yet. Yeah, you do all of those things but you come home at 11 o'clock on school nights and fall asleep safely under the roof of your parents house that will always be there when you fall."
"It's always been there for you, too."
"No, it hasn't. And it won't always be. We've been there. It's terrifying."
"I don't understand why..."
At this point, I yell out loud.
"SHUT UP!"
I hear their voices silence and feel them both staring me down as I look at myself in the mirror.
It's not about what could happen or what you've done before. It's about now. It's about the person that you are at this point in time. It's about Bridget. Calm down. Breathe. Live. Be the person that you want to be. This one that doesn't have to deal with this shit.
"You can do this." I whisper out loud.
And with powerful strides I walk out my front door into my brother's pickup truck. I light my cigarette and go. And just do it.
