The past month has been good. Great even.
I somehow have pulled myself up again. I'm not as anxious anymore. I've been going out. Leaving downtown. Happy. Optimistic.
I was thinking about how amazing it is that things can just switch like this for me. I started thinking about the times I've been depressed, the times I've been severely depressed, the times I've been anxious, the times I've been panicking. And I noticed something.
I thought of how when I was in middle school, before I knew what was wrong with me, I would know if it was going to be a good or bad year depending on the grade I was in. Evens were bad. Odds were good. And then I started mapping out the good and bad times in my life.
I started at the beginning.
Fall of 1999 - Summer of 2000 (2nd Grade)
I started feeling anxious for the first time. I got sick when I was nervous.
Fall of 2000 - Summer 2001 (3rd Grade)
I was fine. Happy. Not Anxious.
Fall of 2001 - Fall of 2002 (4th Grade)
I had really bad anxiety that made going to school difficult. I was afraid of everything.
Winter of 2003 - Fall 2003 (5th Grade)
Fine. Happy. Not Anxious.
Winter of 2004 - Summer 2004 (6th Grade)
Extremely anxious. Nervous about any type of road trip.
Fall 2004 - Winter 2005 (7th Grade)
Happy. Not Anxious.
Spring 2005 - Summer 2005 (Summer before 8th Grade)
I feel depression for the first time. It's not really bad. I was just sad and didn't know why. But not anxious.
Fall 2005 - Winter 2006 (First half of 8th Grade)
Happy. Not Anxious. Not depressed.
Spring 2006 - Summer 2007 (Second half of 8th Grade and all of 9th Grade)
My first major depression. Emotions everywhere. Small random panic attacks but not anxious all the time.
Fall 2007 - Summer 2008 (10th Grade)
Panic Disorder comes. Completely paralyzed from it. Start seeing doctors. Couldn't leave my house. Depressed because I could see anyone or do anything.
Fall 2008 - Spring 2010 (11th Grade, 12th Grade)
Completely happy. Hardly ever any panic attacks. Never depressed. Having fun.
Summer 2010 - January 2012 (Freshman Year, First Semester of Sophomore)
Panic gets slowly worse and worse as I go to college. Reaching a height during the summer after and dying down since then.
Now
I feel like someone flipped a switch inside my brain. I'm not getting as anxious. I'm mostly happy, but I feel myself slipping into depression sometimes.
I figured out from this information that my brain works in cycles. Almost exactly in cycles. And right now I'm starting a new one. And I know that I have at least a year and a half to live my life and prepare for the next one. Prepare to stop it in its tracks. I'm gonna make this time count. I know now that I'm in a cycle when I more likely to get depressed. So instead of letting it happen, I'm gonna tell myself that I'm not really sad. It's just my brain. And I'm gonna keep working with my panic. I'm not just gonna forget about it like I did in the past when I felt better. I'm gonna keep working at it so that when it comes back (as I know it will) I'll be able stop it.
For now, I'm still working on my anxiety about certain obstacles. But life seems a lot easier. And I give myself 5 more months until I'm back the way I was in 2009. And then I'll have a year to figure out how to beat this thing when it comes back.
I'm happy now.
I somehow have pulled myself up again. I'm not as anxious anymore. I've been going out. Leaving downtown. Happy. Optimistic.
I was thinking about how amazing it is that things can just switch like this for me. I started thinking about the times I've been depressed, the times I've been severely depressed, the times I've been anxious, the times I've been panicking. And I noticed something.
I thought of how when I was in middle school, before I knew what was wrong with me, I would know if it was going to be a good or bad year depending on the grade I was in. Evens were bad. Odds were good. And then I started mapping out the good and bad times in my life.
I started at the beginning.
Fall of 1999 - Summer of 2000 (2nd Grade)
I started feeling anxious for the first time. I got sick when I was nervous.
Fall of 2000 - Summer 2001 (3rd Grade)
I was fine. Happy. Not Anxious.
Fall of 2001 - Fall of 2002 (4th Grade)
I had really bad anxiety that made going to school difficult. I was afraid of everything.
Winter of 2003 - Fall 2003 (5th Grade)
Fine. Happy. Not Anxious.
Winter of 2004 - Summer 2004 (6th Grade)
Extremely anxious. Nervous about any type of road trip.
Fall 2004 - Winter 2005 (7th Grade)
Happy. Not Anxious.
Spring 2005 - Summer 2005 (Summer before 8th Grade)
I feel depression for the first time. It's not really bad. I was just sad and didn't know why. But not anxious.
Fall 2005 - Winter 2006 (First half of 8th Grade)
Happy. Not Anxious. Not depressed.
Spring 2006 - Summer 2007 (Second half of 8th Grade and all of 9th Grade)
My first major depression. Emotions everywhere. Small random panic attacks but not anxious all the time.
Fall 2007 - Summer 2008 (10th Grade)
Panic Disorder comes. Completely paralyzed from it. Start seeing doctors. Couldn't leave my house. Depressed because I could see anyone or do anything.
Fall 2008 - Spring 2010 (11th Grade, 12th Grade)
Completely happy. Hardly ever any panic attacks. Never depressed. Having fun.
Summer 2010 - January 2012 (Freshman Year, First Semester of Sophomore)
Panic gets slowly worse and worse as I go to college. Reaching a height during the summer after and dying down since then.
Now
I feel like someone flipped a switch inside my brain. I'm not getting as anxious. I'm mostly happy, but I feel myself slipping into depression sometimes.
I figured out from this information that my brain works in cycles. Almost exactly in cycles. And right now I'm starting a new one. And I know that I have at least a year and a half to live my life and prepare for the next one. Prepare to stop it in its tracks. I'm gonna make this time count. I know now that I'm in a cycle when I more likely to get depressed. So instead of letting it happen, I'm gonna tell myself that I'm not really sad. It's just my brain. And I'm gonna keep working with my panic. I'm not just gonna forget about it like I did in the past when I felt better. I'm gonna keep working at it so that when it comes back (as I know it will) I'll be able stop it.
For now, I'm still working on my anxiety about certain obstacles. But life seems a lot easier. And I give myself 5 more months until I'm back the way I was in 2009. And then I'll have a year to figure out how to beat this thing when it comes back.
I'm happy now.
