Today, I am a sophomore. I have a single dorm room. I live a really easy lifestyle. But my panic attacks have been worse. Way worse. Previously, in this blog I've been talking in the past tense but why not blog right now while its happening.
It's 11 am. I have class at 11:20. I'm having panic attacks. No reason why, they are just happening. Suddenly the safe-haven of my single dorm has made me sheltered to now thinking that I don't have to leave my room. I'm becoming dangerously close to a hermit. I really can't tell you why I'm scared. I just get this tight "stuck" feeling whenever I think about class. Today it might be worse because I missed this class last week. Not due to a panic attack. Due to sleeping in. So now I guess I feel like there's no way in hell I can miss two classes in a row so I have to go. But telling myself I have to go is making me not want to. It makes me really scared that I'll fail the class. I'll lose my scholarship. And I will prove everyone right that didn't think I would amount to anything. It's one class but it has the pressure of my life on it. I hate pressure. I really do.
I didn't sleep last night, I had insomnia. Another symptom of my hell. I was awake until 8am and then I had panic attack on an elevator. Then I slept for 2 hours.
I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I feel nauseous, again. I could literally vomit at any second. I can't breathe. But the thing is I know that I can breathe, I just feel like I can't.
Right now I have to go into the classroom, and I will continue this post when I come out. Hopefully, when I do it's the actual time the class is over.
CUT TO: Sitting in my dorm room, days later.
So I didn't continue the post when I came out. I was sleep-deprived and I went directly to a nap after class. But the point is, I made it through class. I should say that I barely made it through that class. I wasn't have panic attacks, I was just 80% sure that I was asleep during that entire 3 hours.
I've realized that the cause of my insomnia was due to a medication I started taking. I stopped taking it and apparently I'm supposed to expect mood swings, panic attacks, and general "out-of-whack-ness". This is great. On top of being a basket-case in general, I have to deal with this shit. Tomorrow I have class again. And I am scared. I missed this class last week. But all I can do is breathe and try. My only other option is to sit in my dorm, become a hermit, and eventually die.
Maybe I'm being over-dramatic.
It's 11 am. I have class at 11:20. I'm having panic attacks. No reason why, they are just happening. Suddenly the safe-haven of my single dorm has made me sheltered to now thinking that I don't have to leave my room. I'm becoming dangerously close to a hermit. I really can't tell you why I'm scared. I just get this tight "stuck" feeling whenever I think about class. Today it might be worse because I missed this class last week. Not due to a panic attack. Due to sleeping in. So now I guess I feel like there's no way in hell I can miss two classes in a row so I have to go. But telling myself I have to go is making me not want to. It makes me really scared that I'll fail the class. I'll lose my scholarship. And I will prove everyone right that didn't think I would amount to anything. It's one class but it has the pressure of my life on it. I hate pressure. I really do.
I didn't sleep last night, I had insomnia. Another symptom of my hell. I was awake until 8am and then I had panic attack on an elevator. Then I slept for 2 hours.
I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I feel nauseous, again. I could literally vomit at any second. I can't breathe. But the thing is I know that I can breathe, I just feel like I can't.
Right now I have to go into the classroom, and I will continue this post when I come out. Hopefully, when I do it's the actual time the class is over.
CUT TO: Sitting in my dorm room, days later.
So I didn't continue the post when I came out. I was sleep-deprived and I went directly to a nap after class. But the point is, I made it through class. I should say that I barely made it through that class. I wasn't have panic attacks, I was just 80% sure that I was asleep during that entire 3 hours.
I've realized that the cause of my insomnia was due to a medication I started taking. I stopped taking it and apparently I'm supposed to expect mood swings, panic attacks, and general "out-of-whack-ness". This is great. On top of being a basket-case in general, I have to deal with this shit. Tomorrow I have class again. And I am scared. I missed this class last week. But all I can do is breathe and try. My only other option is to sit in my dorm, become a hermit, and eventually die.
Maybe I'm being over-dramatic.
No comments:
Post a Comment