If I had a dime for how many times I get asked why I have panic attacks, I'd be a very rich person. Why? Why are you freaking out? Why are you sick? Why can't you come? Why? Why? Why?
I wish I knew why.
Surprisingly the person that asks me this the most is my own mother. Every time she asks me why, I tell her that she should know the answer. There is no reason. It just happens.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ask you what's wrong. People that are confident that they know you well enough will just tell you what is wrong with you - "You're freaking out because of the car.", "You're panicked aren't you?", "You're problem is that you are thinking too much about everything. You just need to stop."
That last one is the closest thing I can come to as why. I think too much. But I can't help it. To be completely honest I remember when I started thinking. Well, I guess I should say I remember when I started deep thinking. I was 13 years old and lying on my couch in the middle of the summer. It was late afternoon and I was still in my pajamas. I was lying there, watching T.V. and I had this realization that I had no friends. Then I realized that was sad and I should be sad. That was when my depression first started. I went through a period where all I did was listen to sad music and stare at things. That's when the deep thinking I started got even deeper.
I've been a loner my whole life. It's just the way I am. Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. Too much actually. I think about the future. I think about what's coming up that I'm going to freakout about. I get caught up in my daydreams so much that I forget what is reality. I always have some sort of alter-ego that I imagine myself being whenever I'm bored. Right now, its myself but I don't have panic and I am living in New York City working on the show 30 Rock. Just a city girl working hard. But that's just one of them. I have tons. I'm also a famous musician that grew up as a child-rockstar but just released a solo album that has Grammy potential. An artist/photographer in Paris that vacations all over Europe on the weekends with her beautiful boyfriend Jacques. But mostly, I'm just me - but without panic, really pretty and skinny, and happy.
I overthink things, which makes me have panic, but also makes me more creative. If I had the choice to be normal and not creative, I would take it in a heartbeat. Being creative is overrated, to those of you that are not. Most creativity strives in pain. You don't meet many happy artists. And if they are, they are hiding something.
I can't help overthinking because I've done it for so long. Every once in a while I can turn it off, but it is hard. I have to give up being a loner so I don't have time to think. But I want to be alone so that won't work. It's such a vicious cycle I am in. Yes, I said cycle not circle. The world works in cycles.
I need a cigarette. When I smoke I think so I guess I need to think some more. And more and more.
My friend decided that she discovered the meaning to life. It's that there is none. We are born with one truth - that someday we will in fact die. So live while you can. There's no point in trying to figure life out.
I think she's right. But I also think I've always believed that. That's why I don't think about philosophy. I think about stories and alter egos and music and movies. Oh and lines. I think about what people say a lot. That's why I'm a screenwriter.
I'm gonna go have that cigarette.
P.S.
Count how many times I wrote the word "think" in this. I bet it's a lot.
I wish I knew why.
Surprisingly the person that asks me this the most is my own mother. Every time she asks me why, I tell her that she should know the answer. There is no reason. It just happens.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ask you what's wrong. People that are confident that they know you well enough will just tell you what is wrong with you - "You're freaking out because of the car.", "You're panicked aren't you?", "You're problem is that you are thinking too much about everything. You just need to stop."
That last one is the closest thing I can come to as why. I think too much. But I can't help it. To be completely honest I remember when I started thinking. Well, I guess I should say I remember when I started deep thinking. I was 13 years old and lying on my couch in the middle of the summer. It was late afternoon and I was still in my pajamas. I was lying there, watching T.V. and I had this realization that I had no friends. Then I realized that was sad and I should be sad. That was when my depression first started. I went through a period where all I did was listen to sad music and stare at things. That's when the deep thinking I started got even deeper.
I've been a loner my whole life. It's just the way I am. Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. Too much actually. I think about the future. I think about what's coming up that I'm going to freakout about. I get caught up in my daydreams so much that I forget what is reality. I always have some sort of alter-ego that I imagine myself being whenever I'm bored. Right now, its myself but I don't have panic and I am living in New York City working on the show 30 Rock. Just a city girl working hard. But that's just one of them. I have tons. I'm also a famous musician that grew up as a child-rockstar but just released a solo album that has Grammy potential. An artist/photographer in Paris that vacations all over Europe on the weekends with her beautiful boyfriend Jacques. But mostly, I'm just me - but without panic, really pretty and skinny, and happy.
I overthink things, which makes me have panic, but also makes me more creative. If I had the choice to be normal and not creative, I would take it in a heartbeat. Being creative is overrated, to those of you that are not. Most creativity strives in pain. You don't meet many happy artists. And if they are, they are hiding something.
I can't help overthinking because I've done it for so long. Every once in a while I can turn it off, but it is hard. I have to give up being a loner so I don't have time to think. But I want to be alone so that won't work. It's such a vicious cycle I am in. Yes, I said cycle not circle. The world works in cycles.
I need a cigarette. When I smoke I think so I guess I need to think some more. And more and more.
My friend decided that she discovered the meaning to life. It's that there is none. We are born with one truth - that someday we will in fact die. So live while you can. There's no point in trying to figure life out.
I think she's right. But I also think I've always believed that. That's why I don't think about philosophy. I think about stories and alter egos and music and movies. Oh and lines. I think about what people say a lot. That's why I'm a screenwriter.
I'm gonna go have that cigarette.
P.S.
Count how many times I wrote the word "think" in this. I bet it's a lot.
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