It's time for honesty...
I'm not cured from this. I'm still living it. And I don't have it figured out whatsoever. So I'm probably going to contradict myself a lot. This now marks the first entry of this blog not being written with the subconscious mindset that my college prof/dean of my major is reading it. Things will change, as they always do. The moment that I think I have things figured out and I'm standing on solid ground - an earthquake happens and I fall even farther down into the infinite abyss of my madness.
I am mad.
I accept this fact. I know it. I live it. I breathe it.
An earthquake has not happened to make me say these things. No. It's like the ground beneath my feet slowly turned to gravel and it's running out like an hourglass. And I'm falling down farther again.
At this point in my life, I believe that I am at the lowest point that I have been since this whole "panic" thing started several years ago.
Things changed.
I grew up. (Somewhat) And suddenly all of these problems didn't seem so "pre-school" in the sense that any problem could be fixed by my parents. I mean that's typical though right? Last year, I left for college and broke away from the dependence I had on my parents to pick me up if I ever fell down. This transition rocked my life and my panic has slowly been getting worse and worse ever since. Now its a year and a half later and I can't ride in a car with anyone. Not my parents, my brothers, my best friends, or ride the bus by myself. And now I even get nervous driving by myself. This was never the case before. If anything else, I would be okay if I was with my parents or my brothers. I even got to the point in high school when I could ride around with my friends. Hell, I even rode with them in their cars to the SouthSide and back. That's a thirty minute car ride at least. That is something that I feel my heart trying to jump from my chest just thinking about it. And then if it really came down to it, I could drive myself. No matter what. And now I'm thinking about where I can stop if something happens.
What does this mean?
I have no idea.
But the only thing I can conclude is that I do not feel comfortable around anyone. Not even myself.
I constantly feel like I'm about to jump out of my body.
And sometimes I wish I can.
I'm listening to:
For Emma, Forever Ago
"Skinny Love"
I'm not cured from this. I'm still living it. And I don't have it figured out whatsoever. So I'm probably going to contradict myself a lot. This now marks the first entry of this blog not being written with the subconscious mindset that my college prof/dean of my major is reading it. Things will change, as they always do. The moment that I think I have things figured out and I'm standing on solid ground - an earthquake happens and I fall even farther down into the infinite abyss of my madness.
I am mad.
I accept this fact. I know it. I live it. I breathe it.
An earthquake has not happened to make me say these things. No. It's like the ground beneath my feet slowly turned to gravel and it's running out like an hourglass. And I'm falling down farther again.
At this point in my life, I believe that I am at the lowest point that I have been since this whole "panic" thing started several years ago.
Things changed.
I grew up. (Somewhat) And suddenly all of these problems didn't seem so "pre-school" in the sense that any problem could be fixed by my parents. I mean that's typical though right? Last year, I left for college and broke away from the dependence I had on my parents to pick me up if I ever fell down. This transition rocked my life and my panic has slowly been getting worse and worse ever since. Now its a year and a half later and I can't ride in a car with anyone. Not my parents, my brothers, my best friends, or ride the bus by myself. And now I even get nervous driving by myself. This was never the case before. If anything else, I would be okay if I was with my parents or my brothers. I even got to the point in high school when I could ride around with my friends. Hell, I even rode with them in their cars to the SouthSide and back. That's a thirty minute car ride at least. That is something that I feel my heart trying to jump from my chest just thinking about it. And then if it really came down to it, I could drive myself. No matter what. And now I'm thinking about where I can stop if something happens.
What does this mean?
I have no idea.
But the only thing I can conclude is that I do not feel comfortable around anyone. Not even myself.
I constantly feel like I'm about to jump out of my body.
And sometimes I wish I can.
I'm listening to:
Bon Iver
For Emma, Forever Ago
"Skinny Love"
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